Are you thinking of marrying across cultures, someone from another country or background? Are you thinking about marrying a foreigner? There are lots and lots of things to consider and be worried about! Have you thought of them all? Is it worrisome? Yes, (pause) and no.It is worrisome to marry into a different culture if you aren't willing to work across the difficulties of marrying across cultures.Click To Tweet
What does marrying across cultures really mean?
There are many factors involved but you should consider what culture really means. Why does it matter? If you can both speak at least one language in common, what does it matter if you grew up in another country and culture? Or even if you grew up in the same country but had massively different experiences?It matters because culture is part of who people ARE, not just the place they grew up.Click To Tweet
I first noticed my future husband because I overheard him talking about chasing baboons off cliffs and into the trees below.
How Foreign is Your Fiance?
My husband spent most of his growing-up years in Ethiopia where his parents were missionaries. His family returned to the United States when my husband was 15.
He left the home he knew (Ethiopia) and all his friends from boarding school to come to a different and confusing culture he didn’t know or understand.
My husband went from being an extrovert to being quiet and unsure of himself. Because of the things he saw while in Ethiopia, he is a serious person. As he says, “When you have seen people, especially babies, starving to death, it changes you.”
If you are marrying across cultures, are you willing to adjust?
Most importantly, are you willing to adjust? Is your fiance willing to adjust?
A friend of mine married a Japanese man. Their marriage did well when they lived in Japan but sadly fell apart when they moved to America. The dynamics of their marriage changed dramatically when they changed countries.
My husband and I are both caucasian. I think there is an added psychological dimension to marrying someone who does not look like you look. If you don’t have any issue with it- great! But I think it is naive to think that it won’t matter at all to someone in your family or his.
Does your family have difficulty accepting who your fiance is? Do they like how he looks? Make sure you communicate with them and find out why they are having a difficulty.
Skin Color or Something Else?
YOU may think your family is prejudiced against your fiance because of skin color but there may be other underlying reasons as well. One family I know of liked their daughter’s fiance but had difficulty because in English his name sounded “weird.” Which was true! His name sounded like “Many Leakys.”
Motivation for Marrying a Foreigner
What is your motivation for marrying a foreigner? Are you trying to help him get into your country? Is he interested in you primarily because he wants to get out of his country? People for other cultures think differently than we do. What are YOU thinking? Are you trying to rescue him or is it really LOVE?
I cannot condone marriage just to help someone get out of their country. There is too much at stake legally and psychologically. Please don’t marry someone to help them change their country of residence.
Culture is part of who people ARE and how they think, not just the place they have lived and the language they speak or the food that they eat.
Let me give you an example: birthdays. In my family, birthdays were a big deal. You did special things on your birthday, you chose what you ate for dinner, you chose a cake flavor, family came over and sometimes you got a big party with your friends.
At my house, you received presents, your siblings got un-birthday presents and you played games.
It was your day! In my husband’s family, birthdays were recognized but it was not a big celebration. There was a cake after dinner. The cakes usually had candles reused from previous birthdays and used for all the cakes that year. If there was a gift, it was a small gift.
My birthday was approaching. Imagine my surprise when my husband was not planning to adopt my family’s practices into our new family. His viewpoint was: Why all the fuss? Why spend money on presents? After a lot of negotiation on my part we were able to come to a middle ground. Whew! Now he likes his un-birthday presents.
BUT it did take a lot of talking to work through this relatively mild issue. Imagine if it had been more serious? One family in another country still expected their son (who was the oldest child) to send money from his new country back to help the family. Make sure you know what extended family expectations are in place culturally. Can his family visit any old time? for extended time periods? without helping with expenses?
Here’s another example: food. My family generally had fairly plain meals. Although they were tasty, they usually consisted of meat, potatoes and a vegetable.
My husband loves a broad variety of foods, especially Ethiopian food. Ethiopian food involves cutting up lots of onions and garlic with tons of spices and cooking it for hours.
Cooking For Another Culture
I couldn’t even cook simple food when we first got married but I learned! Now I cook Ethiopian food like doro wot (chicken stew) regularly and we all enjoy a good gibsha (feast). If your future husband likes food from his country, you need to be willing to enjoy it and cook it, too.
We now have interesting words in our family. Instead of going to the restroom, we head to the “zooly.” And you better not be an “inbetenya!” That will get you in trouble! What about when your English words have different meanings for each of you?
Are you bringing something or taking it? Communication is made more difficult in cross cultural situations so you have to do a lot of talking to make sure you are getting each other’s true meaning.Culture is part of who people ARE and how they think, not just the language they can speak. Click To Tweet
Family Obligations When You Are Marrying A Foreigner
Does your family support your marriage? Do you view family and family obligations the same way? You don’t want to find out later that you are obligated to support the in-laws and that they are planning on moving in next week!Make sure you talk about this before you say 'I do!'Click To Tweet
Both of our families were supportive of our marriage. Like it or not, you really do marry into the family. My parents have not lived close by during our marriage, but we traveled at least twice a year to see them.
I have never gone to Ethiopia, but that was where my husband’s perspective of family was shaped. Because he spent much of his childhood in a boarding school apart from his parents, my husband wanted to live close by his parents (2 hours) so that we could visit often.
I was willing to make those trips. It would have been easier many times to stay home and work on our own projects, but this was important to him and it needed to be important to me.
Interestingly, he also spent time separate from his siblings, because the students at the boarding school were divided by gender and age, not family.
His brothers and sister didn’t know each other growing up the same way I knew my sibling. This makes for interesting and sometimes complicated extended family relationships even today.
What About Money
Do you think about finances the same way? My husband grew up in a home that met the needs for shelter and food but not extras. Because of that he has a different definition of needs and wants than I do.
My husband thinks, If you have one or two pair of shoes, that’s plenty. Another exapmple: If you use a plastic bag, you re-wash it and re-use it several times instead of getting out a new one. Most importantly he thinks, Why spend money if you don’t have to?
Let’s Spend Some Money
I grew up in an upper-middle class environment. Our family had extras. I worked some in high school, but I didn’t have to work. Therefore, I was able to spend the money I earned for what I wanted– and I liked that. I had never heard about re-using a plastic bag before!
Thankfully, my husband and I took a financial class together when we were first married that helped us get on the same mindset. If you and your fiancé see this as being an area of concern I would highly recommend taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University or a similar program before you get married.
I recommend taking the class together before you get married because money and financial difficulties are cited as reasons for divorce or separation about 50% of the time.
Do you have the same long term goals?
My husband and I are both Christians and our goal is to serve the Lord Jesus Christ wherever He puts us. We are happy because we are together and doing what we feel the Lord is leading us to do.
Marrying a Foreigner who is a Christian
Being a Christian makes a HUGE difference in how we view life, how we solve problems and how we approach our life together. God made us and by following His plan found in the Bible, we have a head start on getting along and having a great life together. If you would be interested in knowing God’s plan for your life, you can read more about it here.
Marrying Across Cultures: Grace Erases Race
Is it true that grace erases race in a marriage? God created people. The variety of people now is amazing! Because cultures and experiences are so diverse, people grow up thinking and acting very differently.
Marriage is serious and all these concerns need to be addressed. You don’t want to end up married and get too many surprises- talk, talk, talk!
So, does it matter if your fiancé is from a different culture? Yes, it does. Don’t worry about it- communicate! By adopting the same long term goals, having the support of both families, and by viewing family obligations the same way you have a great start.
You need to be looking at finances in a similar way, and embracing each other’s culture as well. If both of you are Bible believers and seeking to serve the Lord, you have even more in common. My husband and I still “bump heads” every now and then about our cultural differences, but we are going strong after 36 years.
I am Elizabeth Estelle, Homeschool Christian Mom, providing timely access to homeschooling answers for moms who have an “I’m stuck” moment during the day.
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BONUS: Here’s another interesting article: My Interracial Engagement where the author Rebekah Anderson says, “Racism was out there. Not something I had experienced myself.” Importantly, she explains how her faith and grace erases race. Read here.